Being an alcoholic took up so much of my time. I was a daily drinker for over a decade before getting sober, and I can’t even begin to imagine how many hours of my life were devoted to alcohol. (devoted, is the word, I was in love)
I started drinking every day as soon as I finished work or before if I had not been working that day. I wouldn’t stop until I went to bed. On a typical day, I was drinking either a bottle of vodka a day or a minimum of 2 bottles of wine and whatever else I had had while stopping at the pub—often leaving work early so I could stop at the pub before picking up my girls in the later years.
Shockingly, this is what most people refer to as “high-functioning alcoholism.” I was still going to work most days, sending the girls to school most days, feeding us most days. Please read my other blog regarding high functioning alcoholics to see that I was delusional and not functioning.
Many people think alcoholics start drinking as soon as they wake up. They don’t hold jobs. Their entire lives are spent on their addictions, and to a degree, this is true because even the hours that I was not drinking, I was thinking about drinking, thinking about when or how I could get my next drink. But to the outside world, I looked liked I had my shit together some of the time.
I sometimes tried to be productive and multitask, do the chores at home and reward myself with a drink or 6, but I rarely got much done. But soon, I’d get too drunk to do anything apart from watching TV and falling asleep on the sofa.
My alcoholism didn’t just affect how I spent my time at home. It also kept me from going out in the first place. With alcoholism, you can’t just take days off. In the later years, Going one day without alcohol was long enough to have me breaking out in sweats and shaking. putting off drinking until later was no longer an option
This caused many difficulties whenever I had something to do, especially if it was on at my daughters’ schools and in the evening. When it came to school events, I’d always be the first one to leave if I was even able to show up in the first place. I couldn’t wait to get home and continue drinking.
My last few years of drinking were horrible in this regard. I felt like my alcoholism had forced me into a rigid routine: drinking a small amount of work, drinking, sleep, repeat.
My life during those years was governed by two things: my girls and my drinking habit.
A few days or even weeks like this might not sound so bad, but I kept it up for years. This lifestyle became incredibly exhausting for me. By the time I got sober, I was exhausted.
It was an odd feeling when I first quit drinking and suddenly had free time again. Initially, I was bored by all the extra time, but I eventually learned to love freedom. I no longer felt like I was locked into a demanding schedule every day. I could stop worrying about structuring my entire life around drinking. But what I was then faced with was equally frightening. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, and I didn’t know how to relax, I didn’t know how to have fun, I didn’t know how to spend my spare time, I didn’t know how to holiday without alcohol. I will write another blog about these issues.
Now that I’m sober, I have the concentration to do complex activities like writing, studying, and reading,
Sometimes I still watch TV, but only when I want to. I don’t have enough spare time these days; I keep myself very busy I no longer feel like I’m forced into anything. I have choices today.
Before I quit drinking, I always thought of alcohol as my form of relaxation. In reality, it was keeping me bolted in a rigorous schedule and making me far more anxious. Now that I’m sober and no longer feeling tethered down by my alcoholism, I’m more relaxed than ever, but there is still room for improvement like everything in life.